Old News

Newness depreciates, and rather rapidly at that.

The amount of time it has taken me to adjust to a completely unknown environment is surprisingly less than anticipated. I am fortunate that the opportunities I have had to travel within this past year have been for an extended period of time. Allowing me time to slow down and actually examine my adaptation process while going through it.. for better or worse.

At first I was always on the go, wanting to see as much as I possibly could. Trying to capitalize on every moment because that usually is the way it is; time is limited but opportunities are not so schedules are packed and down time is neglected. After a few days of feeling productive I decided that it was okay to take a break and relax. I ended up writing, a lot. Again, I realize how important it is that I take time to release the continually building inner tension of my restless mind.

Now, over a week into my trip I feel completely comfortable and have accepted this as my reality for this temporary space in time. While that may seem like a positive thing, familiarity, I acknowledge its deceitful nature. I see old patterns (thoughts and behaviors) beginning to reappear.

When I first arrived I was enchanted by the natural landscape and walked around in awe. Repeating how thankful I was that I had the chance to even just see a place so beautiful, let alone live for a short while. Now I can walk by those same trees and flowers without even noticing due to the fact that my awareness is absorbed by my internal narrative.

There were a few months between the agreement of my teaching and the date of my arrival which left plenty of space for anticipation. I was glad to have some time to prepare but, I had been ready to go long before I actually left. That gestation period can be a difficult place. Now that I am here (here as in a long awaited location) I am not actually here (as in the present moment). My mind has already automatically shifted gears into future tense, planning for what’s next. Even though I already have the next four months committed to another destination it appears that is not good enough for my mind to rest.

I recognize the importance of focusing on a direction of progression but I question if its value is worth sacrificing the experience of enjoying where I am. Especially since I spent the past three months wanting to be here. I suspect that just like everything else the answer lies somewhere in the middle.

When things are new, they are captivating. All sense are completely engaged in collecting and inputting data into organized categories of experience. Once it is processed full attention is no longer needed because these sights, sounds, places, and people have already been assigned a space related to daily functioning. The mind is now free and clear to return to the habitual grooves it normally occupies.

I went for a swim in the lake at the bottom of the volcano, Arenal. As it began to rain immediately my body began to tense and I started to feel the sensation of agitation. I was floating with my eyes closed so I could visualize the internal transition of relaxation to annoyance. My awareness was continually preoccupied with the connection of each drop to the skin on my face. The quicker they fell the quicker I became upset. Then as I opened my eyes and realized where I was I had to laugh. In a moment’s notice I lost myself in reaction. This programmed response to the catalyst of bad weather interrupting my plans of spending time outside was in full control. I was no longer involved with the current occurrence of of being rained on in the rainforest of Costa Rica. Which I consider an honor.

I suppose there will never be a set of circumstances that are good enough for my negative associations to be at ease. If I am used to thinking in certain patterns (planning my next work travel trip) or being caught up in reaction to external influences (agitation at differences in expectation of plans) a new environment will only be new for a certain amount of time. When that time expires the patterns return and while the details may be different the story remains.

Instead, I am learning that I must take responsibility for altering the nature of my internal rhythms. While I may not have been aware during the time that I set the response patterns in place my awareness is required to begin undoing and replacing.

Xo,

Bri