Writing on Not Writing

With my recent travels I have had some time to reflect and I felt compelled to share…

I quite enjoy the space group transportation provides for my creativity. Being confined to one place for a certain period of time forces me to sit presently with my thoughts. I recognize that often my favorite writings and ideas are generated during these moments. It is true that the anticipation of an upcoming adventure/ the inevitable inspiration upon returning can increase the momentum of the flow of words. I believe, for me, the real reason for the higher frequency of output during these travel scenarios is due to the temporary permanence of place.

In my daily schedule there are not regularly open spaces for contemplation. When these opportunities do occur I am quick to fill them with social obligations. The silver lining of my self neglection for the past few months has allowed me to learn a valuable principal in my basic functionality. My understanding of the world, and my place in the world, expands via connection with others. Through the power of conversation I am afforded the ability to experience this reality from countless perspectives. I have been practicing my listening skills. By allowing my ego to take a break from preparing to express its own importance I am able to immerse myself in the words that the other person is choosing to bring understating to their internal environment. Each interaction is unique when remaining present in conversation. By observing the questions that naturally come to mind I learn quite a bit about myself. Different people cause different parts of my self to surface in discussion. I love the visual idea that everyone is a mirror of each other and I am able to see various angles of myself reflected back to me. Everyone has their own unique collection of expertise and in these scenarios I get to play my favorite role, which is that of a student. This has been an extremely beneficial process resulting in the formation of impactful relationships in a relatively short amount of time.

While I am grateful for the recent understanding of myself and my learning process I do recognize that there is a part of me that feels unheard. Writing is the creative outlet that allows me to reflect and re-calibrate. If I go too long without releasing some of the built up tension that is an inevitable by-product of layering new experiences I lash out in self destruction. It truly does seem like the little kid in me is not equipped with the proper communication tools to effectively get my own attention, so it instead demands comfort in familiar coping mechanisms. I must take initiative to set aside enough space for myself.

One of my favorite childhood stories that my mother likes to tell is how when I was young, we would go to public playgrounds (often by libraries or in parks) and I would have a blast all by myself. As soon as someone else showed up I was ready to go. My mom asked me why I didn’t want to play with the other kids, when I simply told her “I only like my own self”. We laugh at the irony of it now because it is seemingly the exact opposite of who I’ve become but I admire that little girl. She knew how to set boundaries. Somewhere along the way I lost that ability, often times worrying about how my declined invitation would make my friends feel.

I am not sure where this life will take me but I am certain of one thing for sure- I will never stop learning along the way, about the world and about myself. I am both exhilarated and overwhelmed by the idea of being a perpetual student but, I know that dedicating time to myself to digest and express will be extremely beneficial to my personal evolution.

xo,

Bri