Grief

until rather recently, i have reserved grief for the passing of a person

i have not understood that there are various types of grief that can be experienced for any ending

of a person's life, of a life transition, even of the expectations set for an event or relationship

grief is heavy; and because of its density requires some pretty big distractions when not dealt with

it wasn't until just last week did i acknowledge my grief and force myself to feel it

i cried, a lot

at first i was confused why i was sad

and when i found time to sit in stillness, to close my eyes, and to focus on my breath

i felt resistance, i wanted to move.. to continue to find ways to avoid the feelings that silence clarified

but i stayed

and i sat

and i felt

it all

the absence of doing what i love

for the past two months

all that pain and fear and hurt that came along with the ambiguous end

now that i am able to return

i can see it

how i have been coping

first with productivity

then with binge eating

then with procrastination

i continued to create little chaoses that required immediate attention so i didn't have to face the sinkhole of grief that was beginning to consume me

the more i tried to ignore it, the more power it had over me

now that i have finally faced it i feel ready and able to move forward

i am grateful for the perspective my grief has given me

i am able to see how what i do brings me so much joy

and i am so ready to bring all that i have learned with me when i return soon